Having said that… I always wanted it all.  But where I came from, “ALL” was out of the question.

Meeting elephants at Harry’s and proposing at cost commissions and 30% of profits before such a thing was heard of in corner suites.  Showing up at the office the next day, with no account papers, just checks written out to me, (or sometimes wads of cash), and partially remembered verbal agreements.  I had collected over 26 million dollars over cocktails at the Sky Club in the old Pan Am Building, due in part to my Mr Tim bespoke suit $175, stolen gold Mount Blanc pen $1,850 and a $7 dollar haircut from Claudio up on 116th ( I still use his services to this day); plus various financial tidbits I’d previously overheard and recounted in my devil may care manor.  Lack of a compliance office at our boutique firm afforded me the availability to create investment opportunity in an industry where none ordinarily may have existed.  Whereas my business card eluded to the fact that I was somehow involved in commodity futures trading, I would earn clients high returns on arbitraging fake channel bags between canal street and Dallas Texas, or flipping pre-overdosed Basqiats, pre overexposed Kostabis, and fake overweight  Boteros.

I would broker deals between crooked cops and drug dealers, straight up ruthless Dominicans, and wanna be Westies, you name it, my hand was in it.

I even had a string of virtual Chinese restaurants and pizzerias.  I would advertise all over the country and when people would call me for take out orders, I would charge their credit cards and then just call in their order to a real restaurant in the area.  I would keep the charges and my subcontractors would keep the cash orders-everybody was making money.  You may have seen my ads on the 2,3 4,5 6,7, N,R, and Q subway lines: ”Mr. Ree’s Funky Chicken Fast-food Chinese Restaurant, Bikini Wax and Income Tax Emporium”.  I subbed out everything and took a cut for myself.  Now they call it ‘outsourcing’ but back then I am sure it was a crime.

 Under the guise of Wall Street, I was able to deal amongst the most unsavory of characters: crooked lawyers, dishonest accountants, and unfaithful husbands; yet the money I made for, and from them absolved all of us from our sins, because it was tangible, and  the ambiguity of how I created profit was never questioned.

GSTAAD

A new guest had arrived at our table: an English speaking German neer  do’well closet queen. He’d been boring us with his exaggerated exploits on the slopes of Gstaad: but we’d all rather hear about his adventures in the mens’ rooms of Berlin.  

“You know’, I interrupted at one of his rare pauses, “The last time I was in Rotterdam, the thing that stuck in my mind was the custom of pulling your pants down to your ankles whilst peeing at the underground public  troughs”.

“Well”, he confessed, after taking my bait, “In Frankfurt, it is not uncommon to remove your clothes during a haircut”. 

“That sounds dangerous”, said the Contessa.

“Isn’t that how they came up with the term ‘hot dog?’”, I inquired.

BADEN-BADEN

Equipped with all the accoutrements of wealth, and interesting anecdotal lies he’d concocted as to where he’d acquired them, our hero flaunts his ill gotten gains with all the bravado of an intoxicated plastic surgeon sitting poolside and taking credit for nearby tummy tucks which he’d not done but could have if he’d been in town and not off banging an overweight duchess in Baden-Baden.

AWR

Dangerously dangling a Belgian loafer, barside, looking poolside, at the Four Seasons Grill Room, snacking on Wild Turkey and overheard merger rumor, Waldo counts his blessings, as he calculates appearance to wealth ratios of nearby CEOs and Heads of State.

Appearance to Wealth Ratio is the calculated formula used by those of us whom are lacking in either/neither of the two areas or perhaps both, to even the score so to speak and insult those of whom we are secretly envious. 

IE:  Adnam Khashoggi is one ugly mutha, but who needs a six pack when you’ve got 60 billion? 

The calculation is as follows:  Divide net worth by numbers 1 through 10 based on appearance;

 Khashoggis’  AWR would go as follows: 60 Billion (ALL HIDDEN BY THE WAY) divided by 1, the lowest possible number-AWR $60B

$3 billion net worth for a decent looking guy , divided by (7)-$428M AWR

$1 billlion net worth divided by (3) for a pretty ugly guy -$333M AWR

A virtual small fry worth $50,000,000 with a great smile (10)-$5M AWR

The purpose of AWR calculations is twofold; kill some time waiting while your date/sexretary to shows up, or to justify your own existence.

The numbers correlate to nothing, just as net worth doesn’t correlate  to happiness.

TALLULAH

Tallulah Bankhead falls out of the Plaza Hotel after Capotes’ Black and White Ball, and stumbles into the backseat of a waiting taxi.  She cranes her neck over the front seat and says to the driver,

“Dahling, do you have room up there for a tray of day-old hors d ‘orvers and a case of very expensive champagne?”

The driver, complying in advance of an expected extravagant tip, says of course.

“Fabulous Dahling”, at that point Tallulah proceeds to vomit all over the taxi.

Only hours before, she had found herself in the ladies room stall, only to realize that the toilet tissue dispenser was empty.

Desperate, for obvious reasons, she knocked on the divider to her left, “Dahling, do you have any extra paper you can spare an aging drunk?”

“No”, was the response, to her avail.

She tapped the right side divider only to be told that there was no tissue to spare there either.

Out of options, she yelled at the top of her lungs, “Does anybody out there have two 10′s for a 20?”

Having been in that position, often in my history, I appreciate the panache Tallulah exercised in turbulent times.  I have learned, if not to simulate an Alabaman accent, at least to lessen the severity of my inherent New York twang.  

There is a line in The Practical Cogitator that I try to keep with me; (Speak, that I may see thee).

They sat down as my dads’ friend complained about the obvious uncomfortable conditions he’d been living under for the past 100 months. 

The waiter came over to take their order; 

“What can I get for you gentlemen?”

My dad motioned to his friend to go first:

“Oh,  just give me anything”

The waiter noted that the veal was on the special but if you like macaroni, the raviloi was quite spectacular.

My dads’ friend looked up at the waiter, interupting himself tell a very funny story, and said again, “Anything will be fine”

The waiter, not knowing the history of the situation, said again, “May I suggest the Sword fish?”

My dads. friend jumped up, grabbed the waiter by the neck, and while pressing his thumb firmly into his throat, said in a calming voice, “I have been eating bologna sandwiches and bugs for the past ten fucking years, I don’t give a shit what I eat now that I am out, at least your plates might be clean, now just bring me ANY FUCKING THING-I DON’T CARE!”

Then my father said softly, “I’ll have whatever he’s having”

Having had the distinction of pleading down a triple attempted murder charge, to basically rolling a red light, after openly admitting in court to throwing 3 pre-op trannies out of my 8^th floor apartment window-Fifth Avenue side-for non-payment of absorbadent rent-I felt untouchable, to the extent of contemplating a second apartment purchase on a higher floor and going for the actual full tilt murder rap.

An interesting anecdote as to how I walked on the charge, was that my lawyer argued the fact that when I was picked up, minutes after the triple attempted murder in question, I was sipping champagne, across the street from the crime scene, at the Polo lounge, in the old Westbury Hotel, carrying a loaded pistol, and $48,000 in cash.

“My client, your honor, although seemingly justified in his objection to having a transexual prostitution ring operating from his legal residence, did not, and would not, willingly throw three transgendered criminals out of his eight floor apartment window…”

“If I may, your honor”, I interjected, “Whereas I was justifiably upset (I had found that starting a sentence with the word ‘whereas’ was a winning formula) with the behavior of the transexual prostitutes that were terrifying my neighbors and entire building, I, of course would never commit a crime to stop a crime”.  ”I had gone to my apartment in the hope of returning all of the rent money I had collected, and asking the criminals to vacate, which explains the cash”.  ”They inevitably must have been extremely spaced out on drugs, which is why they decided to exit via the window in the middle of our conversation”.  ”The gun I was carrying, I had found in the hallway as I was running to the Westbury next door to telephone police… and that’s what happened, I assure you”.  (I had found that ending a sentence with ‘I assure you’ was just as effective as starting one with ‘whereas’.

“The police report said that when you were picked up, you were sitting cross legged, dangling a Belgian loafer on the tip of a toe, in front of a half empty bottle of Mumms… how do you explain that?”

“When I get excited, your honor, my stomach gets up, and the only thing to settle it is a carbonated drink-I find that Champagne works best”.

And so I walked on a triple attempted murder charge, got my name, with some great photos, in the paper, kept the $48,000 that I had stolen (acquired) from the hookers I threw out the window, got evicted from my apartment, and moved into the Westbury for a while till the next thing came along..  All in all, it was a good week.  Oh, I forgot… I bought a new barbeque set for my super; hers’ was destroyed when the trannies landed on it!

But violence was never really my game.  Muscle was for people who couldn’t negotiate.  Wheras I loved Carravagio Red on my leather club chairs, I actually did not like the sight of blood-unless it was on a tampon floating in my toilet, symbolizing another bullet that I had dodged.  And I had dodged many.  Untill the chewing gum heiress faked a pregnancy (age 29) (she was mid 40’s) I had never experienced the terror of potential fatherhood.

I had met the heiress at Elaines’, one late night, at a front table, as I noticed an older, attractive, and real (I discovered and enjoyed later) blonde, drowning in a bowl of gaspaucho (which I later learned was laced with Grand Mariner, a favorite soup of the chewing gum money set) at the next table.  Under the guise of a lavage technician apprenticing at Louis Licari, (thats a guy who washes your hair in an expensive barber shop) I dragged her out of her appetizer and gave her a long kiss in liue of CPR, and subsequently moved into her East End Avenue triplex apartment for 4 years of heavy drinking, waiting for funds to clear, and inevitable make up sex.

During this time, I sought to sublet my Madison Avenue duplex for dry cleaning money, as I had not worked for a few years and my pants needed letting out.

I placed adverts in all the respectable places; the ladies room of Mortimers on Lexington, the gift wrapping counter at Bendels (this is when they were on 57^th street) and near the cash register at the Ritz Thrift Shop across Sixth Avenue.  My finesse with language facilitated my impatience, as I received many calls for the following proposition:

Looking for Holly Golightly to sub-let my duplex with 5^th Avenue view. 

            I am a divorced, apprenticing hair stylist, travelling to Lago Maggiore for 6 months.

 Rent is flexible.  288  6622.

  I may need to share the bed a few nights per week.  (No extra charge)

I initially met my prospective tennant, Madam Greta, at Roma Di Notte, on 55^th off Lex, after a lenghty telephone conversation in which I was instantly, pleasantly, and noticably, arroused by the voice on the other end.  My arrousal intensified as we gossipped about mutual friends in the dark, secret cave, which housed the best table at the cheaters hidaway.  She had told me she owned a modelling agency and needed a place for the girls to crash while in New York.  Money was not an object as we agreed to a six month sublet, cash upfront, at a marginalized rate of 1,400%  over what I was paying.  Of course I smelled fish, but I could not turn that kind of dough down.

I told the heiress I made twelve hundred dollars, (our monthly Vermouth bill) but I cleared more like 60 grand; either way, we blew it in 4 months on dinners at the Four Seasons, Belgian  Loafers, Palm Beach and the inevitable make up sex.

All was going well untill I got a phone call one afternoon from the super of my building, to whom I had given $500 to keep it quiet that I was subletting.  We both knew that a rental apartment on Madison  Avenue in the mid 60’s  was a hot commodity-especially at the rate I was paying, and the landlord would not appreciate me making money off his back.

She explained to me that there was some ‘VERY’ suspicious activity going on up on the 8^th floor.  Constant traffic all hours of the day, loud music, bad perfume and to make matters really bad-a big black scary looking guy standing in the lobby all night long watching and waiting for who knows what.

I got Greta on the phone and asked her what was going on in my apartment.  She handed the phone over to a mean sounding Dominican who threatened me and I knew it was going to be trouble.

I staked out my building and got sick to my stomach with what I saw.  In mid day, there were 3 to 4 men going in every hour-I am sure, to my apartment.

At night, there was a huge black guy going in and out, talking on the phone, as more men, mostly middle aged, soft bellied salesmen types, entered my building after speaking and exchanging what looked like money with him.

I did not know how to handle it.  I was in the process of striking a lucrative deal to buy a garbage company in the neighborhood, and knew that I would need a squeaky clean record to get my licence from the New York Trade Waste Commission, so the obvious solution was temperarilly out of the question.

My super called me, out of breath, and said I should meet her right away at the Greek the diner across the street.  The heiress knew nothing of what was going on at Madison Avenue, as my life over on East End was basically a 1960’s romantic comedy (with James Garner playing me) with lots of shopping, cocktailing, and the inevitable make up sex due to far too much of the afformentioned,  I did not want to bring any actual reality to that situation as reality is a dangerous thing to admit.

My super was waiting for me outside of Gardinia, too exited to speak.  She handed me a copy of Screw Magazine, and told me to look in the back.  If you never heard of or admit to hearing of Screw, it is a porno rag with lots of classifieds for sex related stuff.  The front pages are for straight sex, turn a few pages, and there you have gay ads, all the way in the back is the freaky shit.

I instantly saw what I was supposed to see.  A quarter page ad featuring ‘Rebecca-36-24-36, 9 inches uncut’ with a topless photo of a hot chick, legs crossed, with huge boobs, and the copy read; Upper East Side location, with MY HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER. 

I had done some bad things in the past, but what was going through my mind at that second would make Quentin Tarantino sick.  Somebody was gonna have to get out to Cosco and get a case of Band-Aids.

Then I though about the …

LOSING WEIGHT AND GAINING INFLUENCE

Whereas life with the heiress offered many financial and sexual perks, (I’d be remiss to dismiss the fact that moneyed divorcees of the Newport and Palm Beach variety, travel in circles of mutual admiration, therby offering a Renaissance Guido such as myself, a metaphorical shallow bathtub, full of Dom Perignon, in which to ‘heiress hunt’, if you will), I must, however, confess that life did lack in certain aspects, although almost too few to mention.

Fulfilling the sexual fantasies, and ensuring multiple  orgasms, (or at least attempting to) three times a day, for four years, to the same woman, plus whomever else I could, and quite often did, fit in, had put a toll on my body, in lieu of the smile on my face. 

I had not the time nor energy to exercise at all, and at one point whilst trying on cashmere slacks at Trillion on Worth Avenue, realized I was starting to look like the enemy.

 The enemy were the ex-husbands of the moneyed set I was playing amongst.

These were gentlemen of a certain age, with good hair, great shoes, well manicured hands and feet, expensive watch, cash in hand…You get the picture.

What they lacked was the ‘bella figura’ of their competition-(or a rose colored younger version of themselves).  These guys prayed for rain when they received an invite to a pool party-and that’s a problem.  

My problem was staring at me in the Trillion fitting room.  Although I could afford $1,200.00 pants, could I afford the implications of being seen in them without a shirt on??

I told the heiress we had to cut down on cocktail parties and sleeping till noon.  I bought her a thigh master and myself a three way mirror and a leopard skin G-string.  I knew that one look at myself in that thing, and I’d be disgusted enough to shoplift a pair of Adidas and head to the reservoir for a loop-d-loop.  Let me mention that even though I had deep financial backing from the heiress, I opted to steal occasionally as a testament to the philosophy from whence I came.  I always like to keep a toe in the proverbial water… especially when it’s muddy.  There is nothing worse than those people whom choose to forget their roots.  I felt that I had been blessed with having been born into poverty, as I had a hunger and appreciation for the things that most of my current drinking partners had taken for granted-and I enjoyed stealing tremendously..

Machiavelli, in his calculated demeanor suggested befriending the enemies of your enemy and using inside information gathered heretofore , enlist a cadre of players, good and evil, to surround the object of your distraction, and exact revenge.     

The priest spoke next and preached forgiveness as the only hope to live a balanced life.

Marcogliese ordered a third gimlet, while admitting that when anyone pisses him off, he just sleeps with the guys’ wife.

Numerous studies have investigated the profitability of arbitrage between similar financial markets, in the abstract,  as well as derivative form.  This is not one of them. The purpose of this paper is to disprove all arbitrage theory. An interesting anecdotal feature of my analysis is the inexperience I bring to the table in terms of case study, as I stumbled into arbitrage as an art form, and in the words of Byron, “Awoke one morning and found myself famous”.

My research on this topic afforded me countless hours of perusing over mathamatical formula, game theory, comparative risk strategy, and the like.  What I realized, initially, was a coordinated effort in the continuim, to have each abstract agree with each other, which, based on my lack of education and innate desire to one day own a horse farm, propelled me to disprove all formatted arbitrage theory and make a name for myself in the acedemic world at the expense of others.

I express from the perspective of a true arbitraguer, who, having been blessed with all the advantages of being born into poverty, developed, at an early stage, a craving for riskless income over expenditure in all areas of endeavor, as well as a desire to confound and later destroy Ivy Leagers while looking good in a bow tie.

COMBINATORIAL EXCHANGES AND DERIVATIVE RELATIONSHIPS: RUMP SHAKERS AND DAISY TRAIN CHASERS

Whereas arbitrage may or may not be exacted in plush corner suites, or top decks of power yachts for the purpose of financial gain, it is certainly its raison d’etre.  The purpose of this study is to demonstrate that the NYSE/S&P; CBOT/CME; LME/MERC, etc.. do not have exclusive rights to this oft time misundersttod form of chicanery.

Having had the privelige of the promenade during the late 90’s, basking in sartorial splendor whilst  dangling Belgian loafers dangerously on the tips of toes, in back corners of cafés, whilst vying for the affections of the sweet sex in adjoing banquettes, I discovered that there must be more to this game of cat and mouse. relationships, whether formed in financial markets or super markets,  do not have exclusive exclusivity.

My inexperience with trading forex cross rates (though de riguer in the pre hedge fund era for any gentleman looking for a good seat at Mortimers and an introduction to Nina Griscom) was destined to have a peripheal influence on not only on my checkbook, and dancecard, but alas, in the manner in which I saw connectivity to all things in nature.   Whereas knowledge is power and power is the ultimate aphrodesiac, I got more nooky relying on neither of the two, and at certain points admired myself in the reflection of my own butter knife actally being ogled by the poor rich saps down at the other end of bar whose sole pupose was not to question their check and just pay for all of our drinks.

Henceforth, ergo and heretofore, were the ‘verbal’ bait which I’d lay to entrap fortunehunters, rumpshakers, and daisy train chasers at nearby banquettes.  It should be noted that the bespoke disguise I’d used as cover, had adverse benefit, as interested onlookers, anticipating a bountiful purse on my end, snuck drink orders on my tab, which I in turn forwarded to unwitting saps at nearby barstools, with the help of my ever present cohort-the Bangladeshi busboy-Desi (not his real name).  He, who otherwise lived invisibly, except when salad forks were to be removed, water glasses refilled, or Bill Blass demanded an industrial strength plunger and toilet brush,  was my constant ally in those Caesar salad (in my case with shrimp) days, as without whose help I’d probably be applying for his job.  These pawns, upon which we bishops, knights and flaming queens, secretly rely, secretely lobby our cause for no other conceivable reason than to perhaps eavesdrop on our exaggerated exploits, and translate our memories with changed identities, for friends and relatives with whom they share their studio apartment back in Bay Side.

EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVITY AND DEPRAVED REPRICOSITY 

Whereas financial arbitrageurs intervene to take advantage of interest rate variations, execution slippage, or miscalculated transaction costs, I had derived an alternative formula to identify profit exposure where none seemingly had previously existed.  I call this deviation ‘The Marcogliese-Apple/Orange Yield Differential Anomaly’.  What I have chosen to focus on is inverse relationship theory, or the lack thereof.

NO WINNERS-NO LOSERS-JUST ARBITRAGEURS

Increased volatility is the term financial geniuses use to disguise the fact that they have no idea what is going on in the market.  What goes up must come down is not true.  It may go sideways, henceforth, the Butterfly Spread.

THE GOVERNMENT CHEESE/CAVIAR, BIKINI WAX /INCOME TAX CROSS HEDGE

(ALSO KNOWN AS THE MARCOGLIESE SPREAD)

Corrupted correlation arbitrage theory operates under the assumption that although financial markets require a mutual relationship between underlying assets in order to exploit  price discrepincy, this premise is not required in super markets.  Government cheese is given out free (on certain Manhattan corners every Tuesday) while caviar is extremely expensive at Petrossian every night. The Marcogliese Spread strategy here is to hoard as much free government cheese as you can every day in order to be able to afford Petrossian a few nights per week.  This approach coupled with cheating on your taxes and spending a lot of time at the beach, is a pure arb play, and a great way in which to initially understand how arbitrage works. 

An aggressive arbitrageur, armed with nothing more than a phone, calculator, Gucci loafers and fresh breath (not necessarily in that order) will manipulate financial, and super markets (not in that order) to the extent that he will eat free, drink free, live free; whilst actually risking no personal capital, as true arbitrage play is nothing more than an economic sleight of hand, a three card monte du jour, whereby the dealer holds all the cards, the deck is fixed, and the cardboard box from which he’s operating, is from Asprey.

Mr. Haney from Green Acres is a true arbitrageur.

MADISON AVENUE QUIZ

Where Were These Shops, Restaurants and Bars?

On/Off  Madison 57th-86th

____________________________________________

Tennis Lady

Time Will Tell

Rita’s Blue Tent

The Original La Goulue

Nino Cerruti

Versace

Original Issey Miyake

Andrea Carrano (2 answers)

Monsieur Marc

Carlyle Chemists

Peter Fox

Homer

Original Bottega Veneta

Copacabana

E.A.T.

Halston

Miu Miu

Carlyle Wines

Sulka (2 locations)

Original Hermes

Original Gucci (Original)

Geoffrey Beene

North Beach Leather

Where Did Andre Meyer Live (For The Financiers)

Bruno Magli

Pierre Deux  (2 locations)

 Ferre  (2 locations)

Eat

Pace Gallery

Reporter

Henry Lehr

Le Pleiades

Madison Cafe

Metro

Alfred Dunhill (2 locations)

Chemical Bank

Mayfair Diner

Cashmere Cashmere

Cashmere And Company

Carlyle Wines

Le Relais

Madison Pub and Its’ Original Name

  Wood’s

Givenchy

Cello

Coach

Dooney & Burke

Pasta and Cheese

The Right Bank

O’Henry’s

Polo Lounge

Original Zitomers

Gardenia

Vanessa Noel

Don King’s Office

Agent 99′s Apartment

Gaultier

Mackenzie Childs

IMG

Porthault

Liz Lange

Original Le Cirque

Baby Guess

Timberland

Madison Avenue Books

Books And Company

Fauchon

Santini And Dominici

Aquascutum

Kenzo

Missoni

Ferrier

Moschino

Victoria’s Secret

Lotte Berk

Eve

Bernardaud

Isabel Canovas

Cloak And Dagger

Olga

Midnight Sun

First Federal Bank

Jackie Rogers

Matsuda

What Major Event Happened On Madison Avenue January 14th, 1966?

Where Was ‘Nosidam’, Where Was It,

and What Does It Mean?

Who is the bartender at Bemelmen’s that has been there 51 years?

Who was the long time bartender at the Cafe Pierre”

What Did The Sign Say Above The Sale Rack at

 Rita’s Blue Tent?

What Was The Name of The Famous Hardware Store

Where Nespresso Currently Is?

What Marcogliese Thinks

When you have one Range Rover you are happy; but when you have two, you want three.

Good and bad are interchangeable concepts depending on the circumstances.

A goatee is a facial vagina.

Never lend money to someone who doesn’t drink.

When you are older than the guy driving your bus, you’ve got at least two problems.

Truth is nothing more than a lie, wearing a bowtie and carrying a violin case.

I always tell the truth, even when I lie.

You catch more mice with Mozart.

The key to business is cheap labor and expensive stationary.

Gucci loafers and fresh breath doesn’t hurt.  (If Gucci’s have holes, wrap duct tape around foot).

Money is the best make up.

I went to a dinner party the other night where 6 out of 10 Rolexes at my table were fake.

You can’t spell arbitrage without G A R B A G E

Too much fish and chips will cause itch and shits.

A shoeshine is a lonely mans’ blowjob.

Being bald is like having a bad haircut forever.

If you see an arbitrageur jump out the window-follow him.  There must be money in it.

When you fantasize about winning powerball, no matter how big the pot is, there really is never enough money to be truly satisfied, you’d have to win twice, back to back.

I have no idea how an airplane stays up, or how my dick stays up; but that does not stop me from fucking.

People have no respect for the plumber…until the toilet is clogged.

You don’t save money-you make money.

Employees must wash hans and in some cases…faces.

Double stuffed Oreos are like your birthday, free cable, and a handjob all rolled into one.

Tell me what you cost, and if I can afford you I’ll buy you; if I can’t afford you I’ll buy you and sell you.

For a quick dose of credibility, put on a bow tie and carry a violin case; it attracts interesting women and puts up a smokescreen when you are shoplifting.

One plus one is at least three (everything has baggage)

Behind every great fortune…lies garbage.

When it comes to shoes, sex and garbage, money is no object.

The object is not beauty, but to arouse suspicion.

Toilet paper, at a cocktail party, where lamb is served rare, on a skew, is more valuable than a housekeeper who knows kung fu.

This whole immigration thing is bullshit.  I need more illegals.  Find me a Harvard grad who will clean toilets and I’ll give him a signing bonus.

There should be a big blender in the back of courthouses.  When a bad dude is convicted, start with a foot.  Watch the crime rate drop.

Maybe white men can’t jump; but black men can’t climb corporate ladders.

Why are most hunters overweight white alcoholics?  Cause it’s easy to shot a defenseless bunny no matter what stage you’re in.  Put those fat bastards in a bodega in Hunts Point with their double gages and watch them call for Mama.

How come the bad guys’ hats’ never came off when superman punched them in the face?  He could stop a speeding locomotive, but he ducked when they threw the gun at him.  It’s because the sun always shines on TV.

A prerequisite for a good housekeeper is to be named Consuella.

Arbitrage means never having to ask, “How much is that gorilla in the window?”

If I did not speak Spanish I could never had made it in this country (New York City)

I don’t lock my doors to keep crooks out, but to keep them home.

There is nothing I detest more than perfection…  The most beautiful woman I ever saw only had one eye.

Diamonds mean never having to say ‘I’m sorry’.

A ‘No’ is a ‘Yes’ that hasn’t aged yet.

Umbrella in Spanish is “Paraquas” meaning ‘stop water; in French it’s ‘Parasol” meaning ‘stop sun’.  That explains why the Spanish are happy and frogs are gloomy.

You are no different than anybody else; even the homeless bum on the corner wants a Rolls Royce.

A Harvard education may be nice, but motivation and association is thrice as good at half the price.

Men don’t buy cars for good gas mileage; they want a blowjob.

(To a cop after having been pulled over and asked ‘Have you been drinking?’)  “No, I’ve been fucking, do you want to smell my dick?)

40 may be the new 30, but not when it comes to your waist size.

About salaries: $350K is the new $150K.  Just updated: $750K is the new $350K.

(To a waiter after not liking my meal)  “I would not feed this to my horse”, ‘Do you have a horse?’  “What’s in my stable is of no concern to you”

The seven words that guarantee a successful evening “Garcon, A bottle of your cheapest champagne”

You’ve got to live a little before you can start lying a lot.

Keep them dependant; to be liked is nice, but to be needed keeps you alive.

I must have had fun; there is no money in my pocket and I can’t remember my name.

Keep with company that can pick up the check.  Everyone has something to offer, let them offer it to you.

When someone tells you who they are-listen.

There is nothing more annoying than words with more than 3 ‘m’s.

Do not give people what they need; lend it to them.

Everything is easy-nothing is easy.

When EF Hutton speaks…  I tell him to shut the fuck up.

In hockey, it’s called a deke-a seemingly undetectable move the shooter makes to have the goalie commit to one side.  Gucci loafers, gold Montblanc, constant show of teeth and spring in step, are dekes which will force a commitment by your object of affection, thereby giving you the opening you need to get in the door. If you can’t afford new Gucci’s, get used ones.

A red rubber band (Italian wallet).

It could be worse, you could be bald.  If you’re already bald, you could have a toothache.

Luck is nothing more than timing and association.

If you are having a bad hair day, look in the mirror then walk around the block.   That was your competition.

Abundance lowers value.  Trendy means common.

Toilet paper has gotten so expensive on Madison Avenue that it is cheaper for me to take a taxi to the Plaza Hotel and use their facilities.

Abruzzi; the only town where the toilet paper is thicker than the towels.

Women don’t get sad because they are aging, it’s because they are getting ugly.

The best way to lose 20 pounds is to learn Italian.  (Sexy is better than skinny).

The best diet is a leopard skin G string and a three way mirror.

Only believe 25% of what people say: ½ is an outright lie and the other ½ is just plain wrong.

I don’t mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy.

If it were that easy to make a million dollars per month, milk would be $75 a quart.

The way you identify Americans in Europe: The wife goes in to get the price of the hotel.

I love stupid people; it lessens the competition.

I like a woman who knows how to come and when to leave.

“It wasn’t the wine, it was the salmon”  (When accused of inebriation)

Rock Hudson was gay: That’s why I can’t believe anybody.

Marcogliese Bartending School rule # 1: “Always steal the same amount”

Don’t confuse a Chanel bag with good breeding.

“Dance like you fuck”

When your doorman tells you it’s a good time to buy ‘Google’ – SELL.  (The Doorman Index)

To Cheryl Tiegs at a party) “The camera may like you, but I don’t”

I’m very interested in meeting women who martini before noon.

Most women think a Marc Jacob pocket book can take the place of a good ass.  I say put down the bag and hit the stairmaster.

Rap is the new NBA.  Prison is still prison.

The world is a cocktail party; only some of us are wearing Tuxedos while others are wearing Con Ed uniforms.

I’d sooner take advice from a homeless bum than from a man vowing a life of chastity.

Compassion is counter productive.  Don’t give a man fish-hire him to catch fish and sell you the fish cheap, and this way you can sell the fish and put gas in your Rolls.

What is the guy possibly thinking when he is filling out the application to be a doorman.

Hatred is the sincerest form of flattery.

Fathers have to turn square once their daughters start to get curves.

First you get the Porsche, then the Ferrari…  Then the Rolls.

Sex without passion is masturbation without the sticky hands.

At a wedding, “Till better do us part”

Don’t force me to insult you.

Anyone with fresh breath can’t be all bad.

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.

People think that if that pimple clears up, or they lose 10 pounds their lives will change; guess what?  You’ll still be ugly-and unhappy!

How do you spot a fag at the urinal?  He takes his balls out too.

When it comes to homosexuaity, I don’t mind the fucking and sucking; but why do they all like Cher?

I’ll take a cheap Jew over a generous Muslim any damm day.

Does she or doesn’t she?  Only her garbage man knows…

Republicans write checks; Democrats wait at the mailbox for them to arrive.

Realize what people like about you, and exploit them with it.

It’s not that I don’t believe in God; just tell me, ‘Where are the bodies?’

People hate Jews; but if the USA is attacked, You know Israel will jump in.

Anyone who is not prejudiced is a moron.  Would you poke your head in a lions’ cage?

People think jail is a bad place, but those inmates are having hotter sex and better food than half the people out here.

Some peoples’ pants’ are too tight, others’ are too big.  Nobody is happy.

In business, figure out what you want to say-then don’t say it.

The key to good business is being able to stick people up through negotiation.  You don’t need a gun if you can prove to clients it’s in their best interest to hand their money over to you.

If you can’t identify the stooge at the table…the stooge is you.

Muscles are for people who can’t negotiate.

I can tell what’s in a mans’ bank account by the length of his pants.  (Thurston Howell III Index)

A cheap suit is a white flag.

Does she or doesn’t she…  Only her garbage man knows.

Lack of money, and too much religion are the root of all evil.

Seeing naked old men in the locker room will deter any prospective queen from turning gay.

Shoes say it all.

Skiing is like golf, with wet socks.  Six hours later you’re in the bar, thinking, ‘We should’ve came here instead’  

If you can’t beat’em, rob’em.

People with bad breath have got irreparable damage.  There is no hope for them.

It should take no longer than a half a second to sign your name.

Ten years ago I was breaking my ass to hope for a dollar tip to pour a glass of wine for a guy who makes one third of what I make now.  Now I’m tipping $50.00 to a Maitre d’ Hotel in the hope of getting a table where I can spend $42.00 for a bowl of spaghetti, which costs him 74 cents.  And I’m glad to do it. 

People get tattoos to be different; they should just cut their heads off-Now that’s different.

Men who carry those overstuffed wallets have major problems too.

You’ll never admit to having enough money; anyone who strives to make money will never be satisfied with his or her results; no matter what they make.

Never lend money to a friend-just give it to them.

If you are having a bad hair day, just realize that a doctor somewhere just told a parent that their baby has cancer.

The more you think about it, what is the point.

Men who cheat on their wives cheat on their taxes, but men who cheat on their taxes may not necessarily cheat on their wives.

I make money to insulate myself. 

The more weight you lose, the bigger your nose looks.  You can never get ahead.

Wouldn’t you like to see a Candid Camera episode where Mr. Whipple tells some ‘Crip’ to “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin?”

If someone had kicked Hitlers’ ass 70 years ago, we would not be in this mess.

There is tremendous potential for passion, but most prefer to watch.

The problem with death row is that the killers are sitting there for years appealing and appealing, which gains them sympathy.  They should just be killed right after the verdict, or perhaps before.

People are so cheap around here that if there were a masturbation tax, the market would be flooded with lotion.

I am absolutely in favor of hunting-hunters!  These fat drunks high five each other after shooting a sleeping rabbit.  I’d like to see what they would do if they were in a bodega during a stick up.

When you start to make a little bit of money, you buy expensive shampoo; when you start making a lot, you buy expensive soap.

Reinforced toe pantyhose are the curse of the lower classes.

People spend hours getting their hair just right, when in reality: ain’t nobody looking at their fat ass.

Clinton actually said, under oath, “It depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is”.  DIGEST THAT.

The secret of the universe can be explained in one word; but nobody knows what that word is.

All I can hope to pass on to my kids is imagination and good skin.

Expertise is often the mask of impotence.

Which one of you stole my toilet brush?  (At a cocktail party in your home, as you lean out of the ½ bath)

Even J Lo’s husband checks out the maids’ ass now and then.

“Consuela, bring a plunger up here”

Success is nothing more than a sunny day, solar powered calculator and cell phone call away.

Bozos think you need a dollar and a dream-All I need is a phone and calculator.